How Dating Other People Brings Me Closer To My Husband imagine that after infidelity, a couple has made a new vision of their marriage. Experience: I'm married but I sleep with other men. 'If I had so when two years ago I saw an advert in a newspaper for a dating website for married people, I was intrigued. The first couple of times I had sex, I felt a bit guilty. Husband wants to stay married because we have a son and for legal and financial reasons. In lieu of divorce, he suggested we date other people. .. Staying a legal couple for financial reasons might work, but do you have a.
Can you marry, date other people, and stay sane? - marriage relationship divorce | Ask MetaFilter
Trying to move on with your lives outside of the home, while shielding the bulk of that process from each other and your son sounds uncomfortable, emotionally messy, and potentially explosive.
When I wrote that only "emotionally unstable" dating partners would be interested in putting up with the drama your husband is proposing, this copious amount of relationship messiness is exactly what I meant.
It's not the shades of polyamory that you may deal with that are problematic in this plan, it is the fact that you will be asking possible romantic partners to accept some pretty unacceptable baggage and ongoing issues possibly without resolution in sight?
As presented in the original question, this situation doesn't sound fair to anyone. Furthermore, I am worried there is something going on financially or legally with the husband that the wife OP is unaware of, and a divorce would perhaps force these issues to light? OP - I'm sure this dating suggestion was couched in very logical and compassionate terms, but you already have communication issues, are you sure you know everything here that you need to know about the legal and financial details of your marriage?
Staying together for your son without dating other people isn't very good, either, but at least there's less distorted logic. Either you're together, just the two of you, for your son, or you're separated and seeing other people, and you tell your son it's not his fault if he's old enough to understand those sort of things.
Staying a legal couple for financial reasons might work, but do you have a long-term plan? How long do you stay married? Is it until you both get good enough solo benefits?
Until you find someone else to marry who will provide those health benefits? Until your son is old enough to live on his own? If you're going to date other people, plan for an end to your legal marriage at some point, and plan now. If either of you falls in love and wants to start a new family, or there's another baby on the way, it will make exiting this marriage trickier, to say the least.
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I disagree that no one would want to date you in your proposed situation. Some people are comfortable with dating someone who is in a declining relationship, with the idea that the other relationship will end at some point, or at least won't start back up.
But the more vague hold of that old relationship, the harder it will be on your potential dates to accept the situation. It was the husbands idea. He lived in a Mother-in-Law suite in the basement of the house. They had four kids, and he couldn't afford child support and an apartment of his own.
So she agreed to stay married "It will save so much in lawyer fees. Rumor has it that he actually went after one of her dates not even boyfriend with a gun. All I know is that he was arrested, but there were lots of legal problems because they were still married and she couldn't testify against him or some such nonsense. Even before that incident it was a nightmare for her.
We heard all about it at work. He got most of the benefits and she dealt with most of the crap. So I've got to recommend not doing it. The kids adjusted quickly and were elated that their parents had enough physical space between them to be civil to each other instead of bickering. Until he decided that his new relationship was more important than the previously agreed plan to disrupt the kids' life as little as possible.
He made plans to move across the country with his new fiance and tore up the verbal agreement he and wife 1 had, and played dirty in the custody dispute. He also told the very young kids a mix of truths and half-truths about their mother specifically to make them afraid of living with her. He got custody, and never lived up to the terms of the agreement bringing them for visits, letting them visit even if he didn't have to provide transport, planning family vacations during periods they were to visit their mother, providing minimal financial support during times they were to visit their mother, etc.
Then, when child 1 was old enough to leave home, he divorced wife 2 and forgot all about all the reasons wife 1 was an unfit mother. He announced to wife 1 that he was leaving the country where child-support lawyers couldn't get to him and child 2 was going to be living with her. Thankfully his parents helped out a bit financially. But he was so reasonable at first!
Based on this, if you were to try anything like this, speak to a lawyer first. You need good communication skills to pull this off. Find a way to fix those first.
Honestly, given that you have kids, you need to fix this no matter what happens in the future for your relationship. Let me try this in a less-fighty way: This is completely false, and it is simply a statement of bigotry about relationship styles. Unless you think many of the world's most famous artists, musicians, writers, and entertainers aren't "worth dating" you are uttering nonsense. If an open or polyamorous relationship doesn't work for you, enjoy your monogamous relationship.
Talking trash about people for whom that relationship style works beautifully--often for decades of happy relationships--is just being childish and judgey.
OP, if you guys decide to go through with this and I have explained why I think it's a bad idea, even though I am very pro-relationship diversitythe least of your problems will be finding awesome people to date. When the husband says he wants to stay married for -- what was it? It is also almost always the case that the husband is one of those people for whom the wrong body is better than nobody -- hence the disinclination to "man up" and bring an unproductive situation to a grown-up and definitive end.
With respect to divorce: There actually are people who divorce but continue to live under the same roof for five or ten minutes for a variety of reasons. Of course, this requires a certain amicability and maturity on the parts of both spouses. Also with respect to divorce: Lawyers seem to think that a "cooling off" period during which time the couple has the option to reconsider is a good thing.
When couples reconsider during this period, it seems to be driven by the husband's dismay at having to look after his own domestic affairs and his sudden appreciation of the wife's value as a domestic servant. However, separation agreements are not required by state law, and those with an attitude that it's time to "poop or get off the pot" go straight to formal divorce.
My divorce back in the last century took, from the first discussion of the subject to the judge blessing the papers, exactly ten weeks plus a day.
And we continued to live together for some months -- quite amicably -- after the fact. As to whether or not I think going down this road is a good idea for either of you or, more to the point, your child: With respect to potential dating partners, almost anybody with whom it might be worth developing a long term relationship isn't going to buy the "we're getting divorced, really" act.
The sorts of people who get involved with the married-but-not-really crowd are either a specifically and intentionally not looking for anything with long term potential and merely interested in a little bit of short term fun, or b not that terribly mature or tightly wound themselves.
In a pique of I-don't-know-what, I tried the former as the non-married party: I know literally dozens of children whose parents are in open or polyamorous marriages, and none of them are "in a hell of a state. That said, the suggestion that they want to lie to the kid seems like a huge problem.
Nobody I know who is in an open or poly marriage or relationship lies to their kids about it. It's okay if none of you want to have open or polyamorous relationships. It's okay if you advise the OP that this seems like a terrible idea in her circumstances. But the part where y'all are armchair psychoanalyzing millions of people and getting it so horribly wrong is just not useful. IF you two decide the terms then it does not have to be expensive.
It only becomes expensive if both of you decide you hate each others guts. Just get divorced PS if you really do care for each other and it does show then counselling might help. If you are going to engage in some premeditated actions that will impact the family, maybe assess the child's needs too. I can't imagine this would work in one house or apartment.
Husband wants to stay married because we have a son and for legal and financial reasons If he wants to stay married he needs to act married. If he wants to date he needs to let you have a divorce. At first, we would meet for coffee. You don't waste time that way — you can tell instantly if there's any chemistry and you can quickly make your excuses if there isn't.
Once I took one look at the man through the cafe window and didn't go in. Alternatively, one man I found very attractive couldn't meet when I could — I think his wife was suspicious, so we couldn't take things further. The first couple of times I had sex, I felt a bit guilty. I do know what it's like to be cheated on — it happened to me during a previous relationship and it's not nice. But I carried on and learned to disconnect from the emotional side.
If I saw a wedding ring, I didn't let it put me off. In bed, my dates sometimes suffered from performance anxiety, due to guilt and nerves, probably.
Then a year ago I met someone whom I decided to see regularly, and I stopped using the website. We book into a posh hotel once a month for the afternoon and also meet for coffee or a night out. The sex is fantastic — uninhibited and adventurous.
It's not kind to compare but he can keep going for hours as opposed to the 10 minutes with my husband. It is an intentional way to evolve together, a way to create spaciousness in our connection while also maintaining a deep bond. Yesterday, I was talking to an acquaintance about my open marriage. She stated flatly "No one enters their marriage expecting they'll open it. Her concept of open marriage was that it was a patch job post "cheating"--a second best set up, built on the belief that passion fades, all relationships sour, and a series of necessary concessions have to be made, one of them being sex with other people.
Her thinking is fairly pervasive and a complete misread on most open marriages I know of. In my mind, the challenge of sustaining the vitality in long-term relationships lies in fostering the opposite qualities of passion versus stability, and wildness versus predictability. My interest lies in maintaining both ends of the spectrum, and openness in my marriage is one of the many tools I use to achieve this goal.
Experience: I'm married but sleep with other men
Every open marriage is different, just as monogamous marriages are varied. People have different philosophies and motivations. For me, I want the freedom to create a marriage based on my value system -- not someone else's. It's a delicate balance to create stability and excitement in a marriage. There is a tipping point for me; to make it work I need trust, clear agreements, and lots of communication.
I've often imagined if my house or phone were tapped by surveillance cops, they'd sit in a bored stupor listening to hours of my husband and I conversing about the nuance of our feelings, needs, fantasies, thoughts -- they'd surely beg for the "good old days" of surveilling the mafia. But it is this nuanced conversation that keeps my marriage fresh. Recently, my husband and I discussed what we would "allow" each other on separate upcoming business trips.
Do Open Marriages Work? How Dating Other People Brings Me Closer To My Husband | HuffPost Life
After nearly an hour of checking in on how we both felt, the general state of our marriage, if the majority of our needs were being met sexually, emotionally, astrologically kiddingwe both agreed that we weren't connected enough currently.
What we really needed was a vacation together. The timing of our trips wasn't good for us -- and if we "hooked up" with other people, it could potentially cause hurt feelings. I only take calculated risks in my marriage. I am all about checking if there's water in the pool before doing a spectacular high dive.
People have said to me, "Open marriage seems like so much work! I couldn't be bothered to put so much time into an open marriage. When you love something, you spend time caring for it.
Aristotle said, "We are what we repeatedly do.